I have been sick again for the past few days, and this has, of course, brought my depression to a higher – or rather lower point.
Today got me thinking about how the decisions I have made shaped my miserable life. I was backtracking the major life events I decided on, and I honestly cannot remember when I felt really happy to say “I am home”.
I entertained the thought of possibly regretting the decision of ending my marriage, but no, I do not regret it. But I don’t enjoy the life I chose over it either.
I just don’t enjoy living.
I recall feeling anxious about mingling with other people at school at such a young age. I hated it. I had school phobia. This didn’t mean I wasn’t smart. I just didn’t enjoy living in this world and having to deal with the reality of it on a daily basis.
They say life is exciting. Life is an adventure. To me, it’s a suspense thriller wracking up my nerves.
It still is right at this very moment.
I am exhausted of being scared, that I desperately crave an escape. Little did I know, I have been gradually escaping life – perhaps unconsciously.
I have unknowingly created a sinkhole. A dark hole.
I am slowly checking out. Little by little, day by day. My apathy towards life is at its all time high.
Funny thought. Most of us call this life “living” when what we all do is slowly die each day. We are all slowly dying.